If I were Facebook...

I'd be creepy.

But besides that....

Here are the changes I would make to the infamous website:

1. Erase all the typical "relationship status" categories in favor of:
Annoyingly Monogomous with (aka long term or serious committment)
Trying things out with
Fucking around with
Having fun with
Fabulous and independent (for the singletons)

and my personal favorite:

In a non-traditional, yet blissful, sexual union with:

2. Scratch news feed in favor of healthy competition. Every day, Facebook would give you an updated list of your 5 most:
popular friends (friends with the most friends)
interesting friends (friends with the most interests)
photographed friends
Talked to friends (calculated by wall posts)
and finally
Most poked friends

3. Change the "how do you know this person" to also be a competition. So instead of it reading "you and Bill took a class together and met through a friend" it would say "Bill has 32 more friends than you BUT you win the picture war." Or, if it was with someone real uncool it would say something like "You totally beat Bill with 167 more friends, 79 more wall posts, and 324 more pictures!!! You are WAY cooler than Bill! Congratulations!"


Yeah, Mark Zuckerberg. You could learn from me.