Addiction

Goodness it's been a while since I posted! I hadn't even realized....

Ive been kinda distracted what with the start of school and drama and Newman and everything. Whew! It's such a different (and much better) pace from high school!

So I am stage managing Balm in Gilead right now, which is this crazy avante-garde type of play about the underlings in NYC. Basically, they are all either alcoholics, druggies, prostitues, transvestites, etc, or any combination of the latter. And I was thinking about this play and how it relates to MY life (even though as the stage manager I don't really HAVE to do this type of introspection, my acting training makes it impossible not to). I have never done drugs, and despite my love of all things alcohol, I am not an alcoholic. I have smoked cigarettes, yes, but you could hardly call me addicted. And I have never ever been in a situation at all comparable to prostitution. Still, I can understand the longing and need these characters feel, whether it's for sex, drugs, or alcohol. It's the same addiction I have for drama. And it really is an addiction. Lots of people like drama. Lots of people do drama. But some of us cannot live without it. There is a poem, I forget who by, that starts out "Acting is not something you do/It is something you ARE" and it goes on to talk about it being an unquenchable fire, a burning in the soul.

I am not the same person if I do not have a play in my life. I am quiet, distant, depressed, anxious, etc etc etc. I have this desperation for getting drama in any form, such that I watch movies, immitating the actors' every move and line, and memorize endless monologues and recite them in front of the mirror. I will view middle school attempts at theater just to satisfy my desire for drama. It's sick and sad, but there is no cure and I can't say it really upsets me. I love it and I don't find it unhealthy. So many actors I know take a set off, or are grateful for small roles, but that isnt me. I want to be involved in EVERY play, even though that's impossible. Every time I view a play that I was not a part of, I am jealous and sad that the whole process took place without me.

So naturally, the druggies in this play who throw away everything else in their life in exchange for heroin can be likened to me :P Ok, I do understand that there is a difference, but what I am saying is that pure, angelic little me can truthfully relate to these characters and their lives. Not that it matters, seeing as I am merely the stage manager, but I thought it was worth mentioning.