Rules for Bikini Wearers

i have been doing this pool thing for, well, a LONG ass time. Sitting my lifeguard throne gives me the perfect view and ample time to judge everyone around me. If you think your lifeguards don't do this, you are wrong. They look, they judge, and then they talk amongst themselves about how ugly you are. It's all we have to do.

So anyways, I have come up with the following list of rules. Do NOT believe the girly magazines that try to tell you what the best suit is for your body and give examples of suits that fit every shape. There is not a bikini to fit every body. Trust me. In fact, they should only be sold to those with a license. MOST people, even thin ones, cannot pull off a bikini. It's truly sad. So pay attention or the lifeguards will discuss your every flaw.

1. NO ONE over the age of 25 should wear a bikini. I don't care how thin you are. You are old and saggy. Period.
2. MOTHERS of all ages are forbidden to wear them. It doesn't matter how young you are, how hard you worked to take the weight off, etc. You cannot, should not wear them
3. ALL tops must have straps. Bikinis don't give great support to begin with and strapless ones pull even the perkiest boobs way down. Then you look old and saggy, even if you are 15
4. a big fat NO to skirt bottoms. I'm sorry if you have cellulite, but we can still see it if you wear a skirt bottom PLUS your ass looks ten times bigger
5. Polka dots, stripes, and butterflies all go on the NO list. You look like you are wearing underwear. Underwear that belongs to a clown. Go with a simple, monochromatic suit with one design flair (like an emblem)
6. NEVER buy a suit that has a belt built in. WTF? Who wants to add bulk to their waist with a needless decoration??
7. If your bottoms look like granny panties, you are probably to fat and old to be wearing a bikini. Stick with a one piece
8. You are not "athletic." You are fat and you jiggle. If your thighs touch when you walk or your tummy jiggles when you don't hold it in, wear a one piece
9. Similarly, you are not "svelte." You are bony and it's gross. If your ribs stick out and your spine protrudes, forgo the bikini. You remind us of starving children all over the world, and really we just came to relax
10. MOST IMPORTANTLY: *even if you choose to ignore every other rule and wear a bikini, pay attention to this*
never, ever, ever expect that your bikini will allow you to have fun in the water. Jumping, diving, and even swimming are impossible. Your suit will come loose, come off, or whatever. You will spend all your time worrying and adjusting. Bikinis are for tanning ONLY. if you need to take a quick dip to cool off, use a ladder and don't move around.